5 am Phone Call

It's 5:40am EST September 6, 2013 and I'm writing as I don't really know what else to do.  Everyone dreads that middle of the night phone call and today we got one.  You may remember from my post Love and Life on the Rock that my dear friend Amos was terminally ill with cancer.  He passed away this morning in his husband's loving arms in their home on the Rock.  I'm really not sure how I feel right now.  Sad - yes.  Angry - yes. Regretful, ashamed, lost, guilty and more that I don't have words for.

So many things going through my head.  In a few short hours we will be taking Miss Stella to her first day of JK.  September 6th is also little Alice's first birthday.  I'm trying to find a way to stay composed and put on a giant happy face as these are such huge milestones in our life.  But all I want to do is curl up and cry in my bed.

I've known Amos for over 10 years and he is such a lovely caring friend that I really can't comprehend why something so awful was bestowed upon him.  We had a lovely conversation on Sunday and he was at home feeling as well as you can being a palliative care patient. He described the beautiful Newfoundland day he was enjoying sitting on his deck overlooking the ocean.  Even in the face of death he was positive and upbeat and completely at peace with what was going to come.  We didn't say goodbye we just said 'talk soon' and I never thought after that call that he wouldn't make it through the week. I would have said more, shared more, reminisced more.

Anyways, I could sit here all day going on a huge tirade about everything that is boiling up inside me. But I will leave it for now.  Please watch for a proper tribute to my dear friend who at last has found peace.

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